House and garden

Yesterday we signed the lease for a little cottage-style house in Melbourne’s Brunswick, and my mind has immediately gone mad, thinking about what I can do with the courtyard garden. So many plans.

The friends my housemate and I are staying with have chooks, and they’re so lovely that I’d dearly love to take them with me (plus, think of the eggs!). They’re so inquisitive. I crouched down in the grass to take this photo, and they all came over immediately, thinking I had food, and then eyed me curiously when they realised that I didn’t.

Unfortunately, my courtyard garden will not accommodate chooks — there’s no grass for them, it’d be cruel. So I’m adding chooks to my list of things to have when I’m a Proper Grown Up and live on a bit of land somewhere.

Ghosts and New Beginnings

Life is very strange at the moment. Well, it has been for quite some time now, but it’s been extra strange since my housemate and I landed in Melbourne. It’s taken me a little while to tease out the strangeness, to get a good sense of where it’s really coming from.

The answer isn’t simple, of course, but part of why I’ve felt pretty weird these last couple of weeks is that I’ve found myself trying to marry together different parts of myself. The parts of me that existed when I lived in Melbourne, the parts of me that were there when I visited and missed this city, and who I feel like I am now. I’ve mentioned here before that Melbourne often feels to me like it’s haunted. For me, it’s a place full of ghosts — ghosts of the past me, ghosts of long-over relationships, ghosts of friendships changed. And perhaps the missing of the place has made each of those ghosts just a little more powerful now I’m living here again. Nostalgia is a strange thing, cruel at times.

A while ago, for a piece I was writing, I was reading a lot about narration and the self, and how vital it is for our mental wellbeing to build a coherent sense of self. So much of that building process is about making connections between events, objects and places that are, really, not closely related to one another. In other words, we tell ourselves a story about what happens to us in order to make sense of it, and in order to create the character we call our ‘self’. What’s happening to me now, I think, is that those stories aren’t quite matching up. There’s a bit of rearranging to be done in my thinking about them.

Along with that confusion though has been an immense sense of relief. I feel relaxed here, at home. I guess the weirdness will settle eventually, and that I’ll figure out how to fit all those parts of myself back together again. And, I hope, I’ll learn to live more easily with the ghosts here. They are, after all, mostly benevolent ones.

Rearranging

This week I’m editing a piece I’ve been working on now for a few months — lots of research, lots of reworking. This edit, among other things, has involved rearranging the text, slightly changing the structure (thankfully not so much the actual content of the sentences). It continues to amaze me that moving a sentence from one part of a piece to another can change the overall piece so much. A tiny shift, a massive change.

It also seems kind of fitting that I should be doing this work in my writing when I’m doing exactly that kind of work in my life.

Moving interstate forces you to rearrange things.

I will write more about the moving interstate rearranging once things have settled a little. Which, I hope, will be soon.

Breaking

This week I’ve taken (mostly) a break. After last week’s adrenaline-fueled activity, doing very little this week has felt… well, actually, it’s felt a little like breaking. Taking a break has given me space to break a little. And I think that’s a good thing.

But I’m interested in how closely related those two things are — stopping, and falling apart a little, that is. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the word ‘break’ covers both. My body is sore and bruised and tired from all the moving of belongings. I’ve got back into a more energetic yoga practice this week, and noticed that tiredness more than anything else. My flexibility and strength don’t appear to have changed all that much after a week or so of only restorative yoga, but just how much my body’s willing or able to do has changed quite a lot. There’s just not a lot of energy there.

It’s funny, I often notice the effects of stress as fatigue in my physical body before I notice that I’m feeling it emotionally. Yesterday, my arms didn’t quite want to hold me up in poses they normally have no trouble with, and my legs were wobbly where they wouldn’t normally be. I had to stop for a while quite a lot. My body was relieved when I finally lay down on the floor to rest at the end. Then last night I finally cracked and cried about some of the logistical issues we’re having with the move. And I realised that what I was crying about was not just the particular worries from yesterday, but about all the worries that are associated with this (and any) move.

So today I’m moving slowly. I slept in this morning, then pottered around before going into town to have lunch with Mum. This afternoon I’ve done a few bits and pieces and will spend a little more time on my yoga mat. I’m just letting myself be a little broken because, well, I am a little broken, and it’s not going to help me to pretend otherwise. Instead of pretending I’m okay, when really I’m fragile, I’m going to put that effort into picking up the pieces and making sure I’m keeping them all together in a safe place.

Leaving

The movers were late. My housemate and I had been up until 1am the night before, cleaning and packing, and had got up just after 6am to make sure had everything ready for the movers to take when they arrived at 7.30 or 8. We each had to leave the house at midday to catch a bus or plane to leave the city. We knew it would be a frantic morning.

By 8.30, there was still no sign of them, so my housemate made a phone call. They’d call back. We kept cleaning around the piles of our stuff. By 9.30, still no sign and no return phone call, so she made a second phone call. An hour, we were told. We kept cleaning around the piles of our stuff. Sweeping, dusting, washing. And quietly fretting.

At 10.30, finally, I heard the truck outside.

“The truck! It’s here!” I called out. The house exhaled.

I cleaned the tiled front porch as the movers carried out our boxes. I watched them walk past again and again, and scrubbed the tiles with a broom, on auto-pilot, not knowing anymore whether my cleaning was really effective.

When the landlord arrived with the bond form at 11.15, the movers were just about finished, but the floors were still dirty. We told him we’d clean them before we left in an hour. An hour seemed at that point like both an impossibly limited amount of time, and the longest stretch. We talked about furniture being left behind (an arrangement we’d come to days earlier) and the landlord’s recent dental problems. I worried about whether the movers had picked up all the pieces of my piano.

The landlord signed the bond form and left, wishing us good luck, and taking with him our keys to the house. We returned to cleaning with an increasing sense of urgency, still having to clean around everything.

At 11.40, the house was empty of our things, and we said goodbye to the movers. We’d booked a taxi for 12.15. We had thirty-five minutes to clean the floors and make ourselves presentable enough for the outdoors. Or at least clean enough.

We were sweeping, vacuuming, washing. And throwing everything that was left into the bin because we couldn’t possibly fit it in our bags. At 12.10 we moved all our bags into the front room and I mopped us out of the rest of the house.

“What time is it?” I asked as I emptied the mop bucket.

“We have two minutes.”

We grinned at one another. Two minutes. We’d done it with two whole minutes to spare. Now all we needed to do was leave.

I put my hand on my heart. It was beating as fast as if I’d just run around the block.